David Durgin & Marcus Valerius Martialis

A Murderous Hand

When Venus calls you never fornicate—

You use the hand that’s best to masturbate.

No matter? Trust me, it’s a crime so great

Your mind can scarcely grasp its weight.

Horatius came once and triplets ensued;

Mars sired twins when Ilia got screwed.

Both would have spent their precious measure

Had beating off been their only pleasure.

What Nature tells you must without fail stick:

“You lose a person when you stroke your dick.”


Martial IX, xli