Christian Peet

from The Nines

[2 4 6 8 9 7 5 3 1]

     Use this index often. Let it direct you to the cornerstone classifications, essential rationalizations, and propinquitous—if suspect—treatises lifted from pages of less compelling texts. We have seen that both the non-intuitive “quest for knowledge” and the “lonesome mating call” involve, among other Ordered Things, the recognition of an animal of identical species and preferred sex (it is no mystery that every farmhand knows the characteristic cry of the targeted heifer or kid)—and now, with only a few tries, you too can be “going around in circles” 8 or “burning donuts” out in the pasture behind the barn.

     Measure your progress using stanines.9 Everybody is doing it, and if not for variables such as species-incompatibility or “the threat of extinction,” we might compare our progress to that of salmon swimming upstream. Although conventional wisdom says that salmon know to swim upstream but neither what they do nor why, Intuitionists believe that salmon actually hear “voices”—most likely, the voices of Mother Earth and Sister Sea. Of this, the Elders told us, we can be sure: water forced through a gorge will cut stone deep into a cedar stand whether or not we are there to hear it. But be forewarned—although symptomatic of Intuitionism, this union of occultism, narrative theory, and experiments with trance and hallucinogens neither fully embodies nor fully explains its essence: the Intuitionist Movement is in every sense the direct heir of Zen Dada and earlier attempts to arrive at a “wholly empty” or “spiritual” vantage point through art.

     Unfortunately, as Monet found, art that depends too much on the joy of discovery inevitably declines when mastery is attained. Perhaps you would do better to try your own hand at increasing Order in our lonely neck of the woods. Create a unified theory explaining everything in the universe. Be sure to elevate your “sense of fruition” above the sensation of eating fruit, your “knack for numbers” above your relationship to the numbered, and your “love of nature” above both nature and love.



8 Note that it is best not to wear new pants. Additionally, be sure to end up in a “freeze” position, as simply spinning out on the floor is “wack.”

9 Abbreviated for “standard nine”: based on nine equal divisions of the Routine Domestic Curve, where each score represents a band on the curve rather than a point.