Andy Dick, the aging celebrity best known for being famous, was defenestrated at a West Hollywood party early yesterday morning. According to guests, the party, in a Live/Work loft near an alley Andy Dick is known to frequent, was almost over around midnight when Andy Dick was reportedly seen outside. “Some skeezy looking dude was walking through the parking lot with four chicks,” said one guest, requesting that his name be withheld. “I was on the balcony and this guy was like, ‘Is it cool up there? Is it cool if we come up?’ I didn’t think anything of it.”
Andy Dick’s attendance was, by general consensus, “fucking lame,” since he and his companions “just sat on a couch for at least an hour.” Other guests described the quintuple as “extremely disaffected [sic]” and one woman, Jennifer, went so far as to say Andy Dick looked “kind of like my ex-fiancé the time he OD’d on morphine.” Andy Dick attempted conversation with several people near the couch, a three-piece sectional which he would not vacate, but his monologues were “unintelligible.” Meanwhile, two members of the entourage re-enacted a scene from their upcoming film, The Hurt Girl Locker(presumably a direct-to-DVD release), with, according to Jennifer, the enthusiasm of “stoned fluffers” for what seemed “an inappropriate amount of time.”
At some point during the performance, our anonymous source returned from the balcony. He recalls, “I came inside and there’s fucking Andy Dick. How random is that? And next to him two girls are going at each other like spring break, so I watched for a minute with everyone else before going to the bar for a gin and tonic. I guess it was just after that someone defenestrated Andy Dick. That must’ve been awesome to see.”
Jennifer believes an intoxicated partygoer may have been responsible. “Tom was shitfaced, and stumbled in from the balcony and fell on top of those half-naked bimbos. Then Andy Dick took off his pants like he does at parties and a couple people pulled Tom out of what was probably about to be an orgy. Tom stormed over to the folding table where all the liquor was, started dropping plastic cups, spilled a huge bottle of gin, then almost cut off a finger slicing a lime. I don’t even think there was any tonic.” With an unobstructed view of the 2,400 sq. ft. living space, Jennifer watched Andy Dick finally leave the Italian leather sectional, nearly collapsing onto the stamped-concrete floor, in search of one of the loft’s 2 ½ baths. As he neared a floor-to-ceiling window, “Tom out of nowhere screamed ‘You look like a trashy hipster!’ Then he ran straight at Andy Dick and pushed him out that window.”
Our source, again refusing to give his name, suggested the defenestration might have been ideologically motivated, similar to the Prague Defenestrations of 1419 and 1618, though of a more linguistic than religious nature. “You know, ‘defenestrate’ is a really underused verb. We should bring it back.” When asked to clarify, he added only “Fuck that hipster.”
Reached at his private room in a local hospital, Andy Dick declined to comment.
T.E. Winningham is a PhD Candidate in English literature at the University of Southern California. His work has appeared in Fourth Genre, Anamesa, and the Overtime chapbook series. He’s also occasionally on Twitter: @twinning_3.