Susan White

Salvation Drive-Thru

Feed your soul and your belly!
Confess to the Babylon speaker before ordering.
Pay at the first window, and
Receive your communion bag at
The Second Coming window.

That’s right. It’s just that easy.

Cruise through Christ the King Food Corral,
where we observe three commandments:

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s car,
Thou shalt not eat shellfish,
Thou shalt not eat elsewhere.

Deny the temptation of false food.
Remember, Christ is the only king,
and He wears a crown of thorns—
not a cardboard Burger King crown.
Don’t succumb to the foolish clowning
Of the make-up-wearing Ronald McDonald.
And, friends, do not be tempted
by Wendy’s.
Our scriptures warn us of the food that
women offer.

We offer a blessed menu:
Tower of Babble Fountain Beverages
Hallelujah Milkshakes
Holy Water
The Pontius Pilate Platter
Solomon’s Half-Sandwich
Sirloin on the Mount
Abraham and Cheese
Goliath Burger
Lamb of God
Eden Salad
Magdalene Melt
Adam’s Ribs
Meek Fries, Almighty Fries, and God Almighty Fries
Onion Halos
And Ten Essential Condiments.
For dessert, we have
Peter’s Triple Freeze,
Apple Resurrections,
Valley of Death Chocolate Sunday,
And Sinai Pie.

And, friends, since the secular world is a polluted place,
We offer more than physical nourishment.
Our second drive-thru
Serves those in need of cleansing:
The Car and Soul Wash.
Experience the convenience of wheelin’ through healin’.
For just ten dollars, purify your car
And heal your body and spirit.
Simply press a button to
Designate physical or spiritual healing
And, using the alphabetical pad,
Type your ailment or burden.
After your car is cleaned,
Two mechanical hands of God
Will clasp your car, reviving
Your Body or Soul.
When the light flashes SAVED,
Drive in health and peace.

Be sure to save your friends and family. Tell them about Christ the King Food Corral. (If you send 1,000 people to us, you’ll receive a gold-plated ticket to paradise.)

Ask about our Magi gift certificates

Kids under twelve may select one of our toys: Holy Rollers, Crèche Critters, or the Magical Messiah Action Figure.

Christ the King Food Corral: Satisfy Your Cravin’ for Christ.

Susan White, originally from middle Tennessee, received her master’s degree from the Bread Loaf School of English and her MFA from Stonecoast. She teaches high school English in Asheville, North Carolina. When she’s not grading or writing, Susan enjoys running on the mountain trails with her five dogs. She has published short stories and personal essays in Front Range Review, River Walk Journal, Diverse Voices Quarterly, Barely South Review, Pisgah Review, The Battered Suitcase, Deep South, Labletter, and the anthology Dear John, I Love Jane (Seal Press, 2010).