November 19, 1999
606 East Jujubee Dr.
North Garage, Illinois
Re: Co-occurring conditions
I am facing levels of stress which are approaching not good due to the following which are the facts of the conditions which are occurring in my home:
I have blasted a hole in the floor of my basement in hopes of achieving something. This is a leaky proposal, I have learned, for the small family that lives below my house, beneath the earth. Unfortunately, my juice, which is contained by barrels, situated in said basement, now flows down the hole to the family below. Who could have foreseen this disaster, I do not know. I am experimenting with juice and its ability to leak out of old barrels when they are tipped over. I blasted the hole in the floor of my basement to test whether juice would seep through to the family below. However, I had no idea they would be moistened in any way.
I have sent via overnight delivery, a package of absorbable, disposable towels which are found on a roll and possess convenient, perforated edges, neatly subdividing what would otherwise be an unwieldy, extremely long, narrow towel, good for practically nothing, I am quite sure.
Next, I instructed my truculent assistant, Lance, to hand deliver seven honey- baked hams to this dejected, sticky family (whose surname I have now forgotten due to trauma) along with four edible jelly novelties, molded in the shape of pigs, as an intellectual joke on the diffuse and shifting nature of meaning in contemporary America. I am aware that they may not have understood this joke, however, the ham is excellent.
My wife is bleeding,